Last night I dreamed I was lying down on the passenger seat of our SUV and someone else was driving. Our vehicle had our sons and number of other young people in it. It was morning and the driver was preparing to take everyone to school, but they were going to take everyone to their place of responsibility first. I could tell by the street they were taking, and I identified one of the streets, that they were going to go to their job first. I knew we were on our way to south county in St. Louis.
They wanted to be dropped off first and then I would have to drive all the way back to take the young people to school, including my own children. If I went along with this plan, then everyone would be late for school.
So I sat up and asked the person what they were doing; to which they disclosed the plan that I was already suspecting. I became very angry and said, "Get the young people to school first." They argued with me and I woke myself up saying “The priority goes to my children and all the other children who have been entrusted to my care."
This dream followed a long night of tossing and turning due to a very heavy heart. Carol and I prayed together and I simply told the Lord, "I'm tired...I just don't feel I can do this any longer."
My heart has been breaking because of what feels like a waste of so many years. Carol and I poured out everything for others and now we have nothing left for our own children in many ways.
I brought them all the way out here to Pennsylvania and my sons still have nothing. We have invested thousands of dollars in the ministry and in other people and now our sons face high school graduation and we have nothing to give them; not even the funds to apply for schools or take the college entrance exams.
We cannot lose our children because of the ministry. So now it's officially time to let it all go and plug everything into preparing our children for their future.
On New Years Eve, I spontaneously prophesied over the congregation of Zion Assembly, the most effective ministry in the community on the east shore of Harrisburg; at least as far as we have seen in three and half years. After I finished, I was totally exhausted and spent. I knew that I had given the one word I was sent to bring to this church family. Our task has been completed there. It feels like our task is nearly done in this area. I used to tell my bishop that we were going to be in Harrisburg between 3 and 5 years. Now it seem like it's coming to pass just as I told him. In six months, it’ll be 4 years and a season is coming to an end. We can see it. We can feel it. We just know it.
Earlier this week, I picked up the last of our equipment and furniture from Zion Assembly. The next thing I knew, I was giving, what felt like, one last final word of encouragement, through us, for our adoptive family. They have embraced us and held us up through our darkest days. We are forever in their debt.
Now we face the next six months leading up to our son's graduation and I feel that this season is over. I simply cannot lay around waiting for something to breakthrough. I cannot sit back and be led by the priority of others. My children cannot be late in getting their start because I allow the priority and plans of others to send me and my family into endeavors and efforts that will ultimately delay, detour and destroy my children. I cannot allow the ministry to do that any longer.
One of my spiritual sons called me on New Years day to thank us for ministering to him and his family through the years. He confessed that he and his peers was so messed up that our efforts to help them (back when we were youth pastors) were only met with their lashing out at us. I was speechless as he disclosed what was already a point of great frustration and disappointment for us anyway.
I thanked him for sharing it with us, but I found myself fighting the urge to just be indifferent and hard because now that he and a few others understand it now, it hasn't seemed to reap much benefit for us and our kids. I’m not angry with him or any of the people we were able to minister to over the years, but now we are watching our children and it feels like we have nothing left to give them because we gave it all for the sake of others.
A lot of those others have thrown away and squandered what we gave. I realize there are many more who have received what we gave and they have even begun passing it on to their children. However, for all the wasted efforts, I wish I had something of that time, energy, money and resources to give to my own children.
I also wasted a lot of money when we moved here, trying to establish a ministry when I should have been establishing our family. Lord, is there anyway for me to recover what was lost over the last three years?
So at this point, our children's welfare has the priority. We've cut the church services back to only once per month. I' just can't keep dragging my family out to a near empty hotel room every week.
We're not going to waste any more time, money and resources by repeating the same thing every week and expecting different results. My Bishop once quoted that kind of behavior pattern as insanity.
I'll be pushing and helping my children to finish strong in this last year of high school and we'll be taking our funds and helping them apply for schools and buy the necessary things they'll need. There's no more time to wait. They've missed most of the deadlines and we have very little time to catch up.
As things continue to unfold, it looks like the purpose for coming to Harrisburg was never to establish or build a church, but it was to come to rescue certain people from the prisons that they were in. Like Jesus going to the pool of Bethesda, we were sent to bring healing to one specific body and walk away.
I will never assume what the prophetic utterance means, ever again. It seems this was not a season to establish Fruitful Life. This was the season to build us and our family. I wish I had understood that before pouring out thousands of dollars into a pointless effort of trying to start and build a church.
I guess I'm speaking out of frustration and I don't mean everything that I'm writing. It’s just that it hurts to see how much I've handicapped my own children while trying to pursue what I thought was the will of God.
I still made the typical mistake pastors make with their kids. I pray that they can forgive me for that.
So I sat up and asked the person what they were doing; to which they disclosed the plan that I was already suspecting. I became very angry and said, "Get the young people to school first." They argued with me and I woke myself up saying “The priority goes to my children and all the other children who have been entrusted to my care."
This dream followed a long night of tossing and turning due to a very heavy heart. Carol and I prayed together and I simply told the Lord, "I'm tired...I just don't feel I can do this any longer."
My heart has been breaking because of what feels like a waste of so many years. Carol and I poured out everything for others and now we have nothing left for our own children in many ways.
I brought them all the way out here to Pennsylvania and my sons still have nothing. We have invested thousands of dollars in the ministry and in other people and now our sons face high school graduation and we have nothing to give them; not even the funds to apply for schools or take the college entrance exams.
We cannot lose our children because of the ministry. So now it's officially time to let it all go and plug everything into preparing our children for their future.
On New Years Eve, I spontaneously prophesied over the congregation of Zion Assembly, the most effective ministry in the community on the east shore of Harrisburg; at least as far as we have seen in three and half years. After I finished, I was totally exhausted and spent. I knew that I had given the one word I was sent to bring to this church family. Our task has been completed there. It feels like our task is nearly done in this area. I used to tell my bishop that we were going to be in Harrisburg between 3 and 5 years. Now it seem like it's coming to pass just as I told him. In six months, it’ll be 4 years and a season is coming to an end. We can see it. We can feel it. We just know it.
Earlier this week, I picked up the last of our equipment and furniture from Zion Assembly. The next thing I knew, I was giving, what felt like, one last final word of encouragement, through us, for our adoptive family. They have embraced us and held us up through our darkest days. We are forever in their debt.
Now we face the next six months leading up to our son's graduation and I feel that this season is over. I simply cannot lay around waiting for something to breakthrough. I cannot sit back and be led by the priority of others. My children cannot be late in getting their start because I allow the priority and plans of others to send me and my family into endeavors and efforts that will ultimately delay, detour and destroy my children. I cannot allow the ministry to do that any longer.
One of my spiritual sons called me on New Years day to thank us for ministering to him and his family through the years. He confessed that he and his peers was so messed up that our efforts to help them (back when we were youth pastors) were only met with their lashing out at us. I was speechless as he disclosed what was already a point of great frustration and disappointment for us anyway.
I thanked him for sharing it with us, but I found myself fighting the urge to just be indifferent and hard because now that he and a few others understand it now, it hasn't seemed to reap much benefit for us and our kids. I’m not angry with him or any of the people we were able to minister to over the years, but now we are watching our children and it feels like we have nothing left to give them because we gave it all for the sake of others.
A lot of those others have thrown away and squandered what we gave. I realize there are many more who have received what we gave and they have even begun passing it on to their children. However, for all the wasted efforts, I wish I had something of that time, energy, money and resources to give to my own children.
I also wasted a lot of money when we moved here, trying to establish a ministry when I should have been establishing our family. Lord, is there anyway for me to recover what was lost over the last three years?
So at this point, our children's welfare has the priority. We've cut the church services back to only once per month. I' just can't keep dragging my family out to a near empty hotel room every week.
We're not going to waste any more time, money and resources by repeating the same thing every week and expecting different results. My Bishop once quoted that kind of behavior pattern as insanity.
I'll be pushing and helping my children to finish strong in this last year of high school and we'll be taking our funds and helping them apply for schools and buy the necessary things they'll need. There's no more time to wait. They've missed most of the deadlines and we have very little time to catch up.
As things continue to unfold, it looks like the purpose for coming to Harrisburg was never to establish or build a church, but it was to come to rescue certain people from the prisons that they were in. Like Jesus going to the pool of Bethesda, we were sent to bring healing to one specific body and walk away.
I will never assume what the prophetic utterance means, ever again. It seems this was not a season to establish Fruitful Life. This was the season to build us and our family. I wish I had understood that before pouring out thousands of dollars into a pointless effort of trying to start and build a church.
I guess I'm speaking out of frustration and I don't mean everything that I'm writing. It’s just that it hurts to see how much I've handicapped my own children while trying to pursue what I thought was the will of God.
I still made the typical mistake pastors make with their kids. I pray that they can forgive me for that.
