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| Carol L. Green |
Best Practice Principles from Dr. Chris Thurman's Book: The Lies We Believe
A couple of years ago my husband and I met a Nigerian Bishop by the name of Dorothy Tee. God sent her and her husband to this region just like us. Many times we heard her say that God had showed her that the way to reach people in Harrisburg was going to require that we go out into the community and rake the people in; similar to the way one has to use a rake to get to the leaves that are hidden under bushes and dark places under porches.
God stirred our hearts with her admonition even as he changed our circumstances in such a way that we were literally forced to leave the comfortable church setting and go out into the community in the manner God had shown Bishop Tee. Then the Lord gave us a powerful way to go into the community to begin raking in souls. It was through life coaching.
God has been using this aspect of our ministry to provide practical tools for people who are trying to rebuild their lives in the midst of great devastation. Part of that rebuilding process involves helping them see past the self-lies, worldly-lies, marital-lies, distortion-lies, and religious-lies that they have received and believed.
I have been sharing with you, from a book titled “The Lies We Believe” that was written by Dr. Chris Thurman. His book has revealed some of the ways we are also helping people to identify these lies that have held them back. This week, we continue in our discussion about the marital lies, as we address the lie that says: “If our marriage takes hard work, we must not be right for each other.”
Dr. Chris Thurman makes this statement on this topic: “Marriage is hard work. Make that, marriage is very hard work; tremendously hard work. Underline it. Boldface it. Tattoo it on your forehead.”
Dr. Thurman helps us to see that every marriage that is intent upon success has to be worked on. It’s a truth few couples seem to realize when they first get started in life together.
There are times the marriage will hit such rough spots and hard situations that the resulting fear and insecurity can be so strong that a couple can start to believe they may have made the wrong choice in their partner. Hollywood movies and romance novels have caused many to believe that their marriage shouldn’t be so hard. They can begin to think that they wouldn’t have to work at it if they were right for each other.
I want you to hear the truth that emotions and magical feelings don’t make you right for each other. Couples must learn to work on their relationship to make things right. When you see a marriage that is successful over many years, it’s not just because they are right for each other. They have learned to work for each other.
During the time my husband and I worked as Associate Pastors at our church in St. Louis a young couple called us one evening to say they were splitting up and wanted to talk with us. They arrived at our home and when they came in the house they sat on the couch next to each other. They had come to an impasse in their relationship and they didn’t know how to navigate.
The first thing we told them was that they did not really want to split up. We pointed out the obvious, showing them how they had ridden together to our home. They had just demonstrated that they were willing to come and ask for help together. They had even unconsciously sat next to each other on the couch. We told them that the fact that they even took the time to argue, said that they cared enough about each other to try to come to a mutual understanding. We helped them realize that they didn’t really want to split up. Their actions had shown that what they really meant was that they didn’t know how to go beyond the point of disagreement.
We explained that if they didn’t care about each other they wouldn’t have even taken the time to argue or try to make the other person understand their viewpoint. We were able to give the couple the tools they needed in order to bring resolve to their disagreements. We helped them to understand that they were going to have to work on their relationship. We helped them to understand that this is what it takes to make a marriage successful.
Like that young couple, many believe that an impasse means the end of a relationship. They get tired of the real work. They wish their relationship could stay in the stage when they were living on an emotional high.
But the truth is that there will be times when we will come to a place of impasse and won’t know how to navigate past it. When that first happened between me and my husband, we learned how to pray for God’s guidance and wisdom. We had to learn to agree with God’s word about the situation and to humble ourselves and obey God’s word.
As I said in previous letters, we all come into marriage from two different household cultures with specific viewpoints and lifestyles. I learned that marriage is often a clash of cultures, viewpoints and lifestyles. Marriage is a blending that takes place in the midst of these collisions and conflicts. As we learn to live with our partner, we will have to work out the difference between what is a personal preference and what would actually bring harm to the other person and the relationship.
This was a major point of discovery for us. Most people take their stance in their impasse based upon a personal preference. Their stand is not based upon seeing what is actually harmful to their spouse.
We can feel as though our spouse brings out the worst in us, but what is being exposed are preconceived ideas, personal preferences, hidden fears, selfishness, self-centeredness, and just plain untruths. These are things that need to be brought to the surface and dealt with for the health of our partner and the marriage.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.”
The hard times expose the unhealthy attitudes in our own hearts and give us the opportunity to change them through the Truth of God’s word. It also gives us the opportunity of going through our process of maturing and healing in the company of someone who loves us.
Marriage isn’t for cowards, escape artists, people who are bored, the selfish or the self-centered. It is not for the one who is unwilling to deal with their flaws. Marriage is not for the person who is locked into the negative survivalist mentality. I repeat, marriage is hard work and it brings out the areas of our lives that need to be changed.
This Truth also applies to the person who divorced based upon this lie that Dr. Thurman has exposed. If they don’t deal with their flaws, they will repeat the same negative patterns in any future marriage. If they are unwilling to work in the next marriage, they will come to the same conclusion as before, and terminate the relationship.
Your marriage can be happy, healthy and whole as long as you are both willing to do the work necessary to make it successful.
Dr. Chris Thurman says:
The Apostle Paul was right when he said, “Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.” The wisest couples use marital problems as an impetus to work even harder, not as an excuse to bail out. If your marriage is hard work, you have a golden opportunity to use that reality to make needed changes in who you are. You do not want to pass up that opportunity.
We Listen, We Lift, We Launch,
Coach Carol Green
