Pressing Past 'People Pleasing'

Carol L. Green

Best Practice Principles from Dr. Chris Thurman's Book: The Lies We Believe

In our last Listen, Lift, Launch letter we talked about pressing past the lies regarding perfectionism.

In our continued pursuit to provide tools for people who are trying to rebuild their lives, this week we are going to take the time to expose the lie that is embedded in the thought that we must have everyone’s love and approval.

This thought is connected to a desire to please people. It can cause us to change how we respond to people in any given situation. We will behave in one manner with a certain person or group and then change our behavior to fit in with another person or group. This people-pleasing behavior causes us to put our well being in the hands of others.

This lie also gives power to those with whom we live, work and socialize, who thrive on people pleasers. These are people who easily manipulate people pleasers to gain power over them. They will gladly exercise that power over them.

For people who have a drive to please others, they can open themselves to abuse. They can eventually become resentful because, after all of their efforts, they still can't please everyone.
This can lead to their becoming some pretty bitter human beings.

When I was in junior high school, I walked to and from school with a particular group of girls, but one of them simply did not like me for no reason that I could perceive.  She would make fun of me on the way to school and on the way home. The things she said were hurtful. It also hurt that no one else in the group would defend me.

At first, I tried to ignore her because it didn’t make any sense to me, since I’d done nothing to her.  I tried to make her like me by buying candy to share with her, but she wouldn’t accept it.

I was in a no-win situation. There was nothing I could do to make her accept me, and the other girl's lack of response showed that I wasn't really accepted by them either. I finally had to find another group of girls.

I learned, at that time and in the following years, that there is always going to be someone who chooses not to accept or approve of me, no matter what I do.  We must have the courage to be ourselves and recognize that when someone does not accept us, that it’s their issue and not ours. The disapproval of people is not a problem that we can fix by trying to change ourselves to fit their expectations. It's the other person’s responsibility to take the time to find out who we are, in order to make an informed decision about us.

Of course it’s easier said than done, but having the approval of people, who choose to reject us, isn’t worth becoming divided within your own self and living life without integrity.

Integrity is defined as doing the right thing in a reliable way; to be complete or undivided.
One of the traits most of us like about people of integrity is that they are “real”.  In any given situation they never change their personality and can be relied upon to say and live out what they really feel or think.

Noted psychologist and author, Dr. Chris Thurman said in his book, The Lies We Believe,
“What does it profit to gain the whole world’s approval and lose our own souls?”

There is a saying, “You can’t please all of the people all of the time.”

Galatians 1:10 says, “For do I now persuade men, or God?  Or do I seek to please men, for if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ.”

In other words, whoever you seek to please, you tend to focus on them. Therefore you will be controlled by them.  Do you want to be under the controlling influence of a loving God or by the whims of certain people who's approval we desire? A big part of your growth and success in life will be the ability to press past people pleasing.

Colossians 3:23-24 says, "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance; for you serve the Lord Christ."

We Listen, We Lift, We Launch,

Carol Green

Pressing Past Perfectionism

Carol L. Green

Best Practice Principles from Dr. Chris Thurman's Book: The Lies We Believe

In our last Listen, Lift, Launch Letter we began talking about the lies we have received and believed. In our continued pursuit to provide tools for people who are trying to rebuild their lives, this week we are going to take the time to expose the lie regarding perfectionism.

What exactly is perfectionism?  Dr. David Burns, a psychiatrist who is a leading expert on the subject, offers a good answer:

I do not mean the highly healthy pursuit of excellence by men and women who take genuine pleasure in striving to meet high standards. Without concern for quality, life would seem shallow; true accomplishment would be rare. The perfectionists I am talking about are those whose standards are high beyond reach or reason; people who strain compulsively and unremittingly toward impossible goals and who measure their self-worth entirely in terms of productivity and accomplishment.

There are many of us who struggle with feelings of inadequacy, not quite measuring up to, not only our own standards, but to the standards of our parents, teachers, professors, bosses, co-workers, and fellow Believers.  We spend time comparing our results to the results of those we admire and respect, or putting expectations on ourselves that are unrealistic. We take on duties or responsibilities that aren’t ours, in order to feel valued.  Some of us even take on a purpose that was not God-given in order to fulfill an unrealized dream of a loved one that we don’t want to disappoint.

When we make mistakes or don’t measure up to the standards of perfection that we have set for ourselves, an unhealthy tape begins to play. We press replay, going over the mistakes again and again in our minds. We find ourselves using phrases like: "How could I have been so stupid?" We find ourselves thinking that we should have known better as we start mentally beating ourselves up, asking how could we have forgotten that detail. 

I admit to being a recovering perfectionist. Before going full-time in our own business, I worked for a state government agency. I had a good experience for a number of years before I took a new position. After I took the new position, for nearly a year I worked as an administrative assistant for a gentleman who was easy going and personable. Then he suddenly retired and I was assigned to a new person, a woman who had a reputation of being very difficult to work for; who was a perfectionist with very unrealistic expectations of her administrative assistants.

This turned out to be true and my life became unbearable as I tried to measure up to the new expectations. When I realized I was working for a perfectionist, and later found out she was on medication, I also saw that she was overcompensating for a chemical imbalance. I lay awake countless nights, stressing and dreading having to go into work the next day. I was constantly fighting to not play the perfectionist tape over and over again in my mind. I knew God wasn’t expecting me to be perfect. He was expecting me to handle the situation maturely and I had done the best I could in that regard.

My boss unrealistically expected me to not make any mistakes. I was in a position where I had to choose not to fixate on the fact that I could not meet the unrealistic expectations of a person who was overcompensating for their personal challenges.  Even though I tried not to fixate on my inability to meet the unrealistic expectations, I just couldn’t completely do so. It still got me from time to time. 

It is said, “To err is human”.  The Bible says it this way in Romans 3:21-23, "...but now the righteousness of God apart from the law is revealed, being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets, even the righteousness of God, through faith in Jesus Christ, to all and on all who believe for there is no difference; for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God."

I John 1:8 says, "...if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us." The basic definition of sin is 'missing the mark.' So I John 1:8 - paraphrased says, “If we say that we do not miss the mark, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”

The goal is to understand that perfectionism is harmful to us and to those around us. We must understand that God is not a God of perfectionism. He is not demanding flawless performance from us. He would be violating His own word, where He spoke through the Apostle Paul who admonished fathers to not exasperate their children. Exasperation is the result of placing unrealistic expectations on them. We could never reach God’s standard on our own anyway. Christ met the standards on the cross. We must have a genuine reliance on Christ and live a lifestyle of heartfelt trust in Him rather than ourselves.


We Listen, We Lift, We Launch,

Coach Carol Green

Erasing the Lies We Believed

Carol L. Green

Best Practice Principles from Dr. Chris Thurman's Book: The Lies We Believe

John Milton was an English poet who said, “The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven.”  What a great quote!

As most of you know, we are serving on the front lines as community life coaches. This aspect of our work provides practical tools for people who are trying to rebuild their lives in the midst of great devastation. Part of that recovery process involves helping them see the lies that they have received and believed.

Over the next few weeks, we are going to expose the thoughts that many of us believed were truths; thoughts we built our lives upon that are really lies that the enemy has tricked us to believe; thoughts that cause us to be unhappy, unloving, and unsuccessful.

We have all experienced varying degrees of difficult issues and with each issue and situation, we established a personal belief or thought system.  If that thought system or belief is not based on the Word of God, verbatim or in principal, we run the risk of  inadvertently accepting a lie about what happened in the situation, or about ourselves or someone else.

In 2004, we went through a lay-counseling certificate program from the Center for Biblical Counseling, which is a division of the American Association for Christian Counselors.  One of the professors, Dr. Chris Thurman, is a psychologist who wrote a book titled “The Lies We Believe”. Dr. Thurman states that, “Our brain is like a video recorder.  It can both record and play back thousands of tapes at a moment’s notice.  These tapes hold all the beliefs, attitudes, and expectations that we have 'recorded' during our lives."

One of the tapes of my life began with the separation of my parents. When my parents separated, I didn’t feel as though it was my fault, but I did feel I was supposed to help somehow.  I thought if I could find out WHY it happened, then maybe I could help them get back together.  So, I asked my Dad why they separated.  He felt as though my Mom should have supported him more by getting a job instead of staying at home and raising the children.

It was one of those things they never talked about before they got married, so they both had very different expectations, and the enemy took advantage of them both.

I watched as my mother withdrew from life, my oldest brother responded in anger, and my youngest brother withdrew into a world of his own. God, in His faithfulness to my family, had given the opportunity of salvation just before my parent’s separation, which my mother and I accepted.  I came away from the separation, and eventually the divorce of my parents, with a fear that I would do something that would somehow cause my husband and me to eventually divorce. The response to that painful situation created a fear-filled tape that played over and over again.

The reasoning and conclusions we adopt from painful situations must be subjected to God’s viewpoint. We must bring every perception (tape) into submission of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5). We must recognize that this spiritual war began in our minds. We must identify every thought that is hostile to God and subject it to the truth, which only God can give.

The key to freedom, health and wholeness is to unearth the lies we have believed about the situations we have experienced. It may be hard work, but we can live in the truth of what happened in any situation that has occurred in life.  The LIE TAPES will try to play, but we must choose not to listen to them, by recording over the lies with the truth that has been exposed by the Holy Spirit through the Word of God.

This is one of the powerful tools that we give to our life coaching clients and we offer it to you today.


We Listen, We Lift, We Launch,

Coach Carol Green

We Stopped Singing Songs to Heavy Hearts

Christopher G. Green (D.Hon.Causa)

I am reminded of a scripture the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart just before we held our first public gatherings in Harrisburg, PA.  It was the fall of 2004 and every morning, at around 5:30AM, I would go to our facility in Uptown Harrisburg to pray. I was desperately seeking God for wisdom in how to reach out in what was a foreign land for me. 

After serving for 17 very successful years in my home church, I was keenly aware that I would need a new strategy in this new season and new region of the country. I will never forget this simple, yet profound passage from Proverbs 25:20, 

"Like one who takes away a garment in cold weather, And like vinegar on soda, Is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." ---(NKJV)

"Like one who takes off a garment in cold weather, or like [a reactive, useless mixture of] vinegar on soda, Is he who [thoughtlessly] sings [joyful] songs to a heavy heart." ---(AMP)


I recall how I first shared this word with our team. I didn't quite know how to implement it, accept to tell them that we would change our strategy. We would no longer be placing emphasis on the typical church gathering. Instead we would place more emphasis on prayer and teaching to bring healing to heavy hearts.

This scripture had literally snatched away all of the strategies that worked for us in our home city. God was clearly telling me that if we tried to do what worked before, we would be like those who were taking away garments in cold weather. 

Our current strategy would be like pouring vinegar on a substance called nitre. Vinegar dissolves the nitre, and makes it useless and ineffectual. Our method would make our efforts useless. We would not be comforting the lost and hurting. Instead, we would be thoughtlessly agitating them and making things worse. 

It took several months and years for us to understand the weight of that scripture. As individuals and families began to attend, each person came with severe damage in their hearts and homes. Due to our change in strategy, we did not always start our sessions with joyful songs (praise and worship). Many traditional church goers struggled with this because they had always been taught, according to Psalm 100:4 that we must "Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, And into His courts with praise."

But, something amazing happened as we followed the leading of the Holy Spirit. We found that when it came to heavy hearts, if we jumped right into a group discussion surrounding the issues of life, that the joyful songs came forth in the midst of their healing process.

Sometimes we simply started our gatherings with prayer, but by the time we came to the end of our sessions, we would somehow end with joyful songs. We found that when we started with conversation or even prelude music that spoke to the hurting souls, that it was like GIVING them warm garments on a cold day.

We look back over the years and we are amazed at how accurate that simple scripture was for our strategy in this community, and how appropriate it is for many devastated families across this nation, today. This Proverbs 25:20 understanding has forced us to stop following formulas and church traditions that no longer work. 

We are moving into the new seasons with great excitement and anticipation. Now we know how to better describe our work. We are a ministry that prepares and trains Believers to wisely bring healing to heavy hearts and homes. 

We now have open doors to work with a local employment service, a women's shelter, and a drug/alcohol addiction recovery center. We are teaming up with intercessors for monthly corporate prayer gatherings that will give us the opportunity to collectively stand in the gap for this city, region and state.

Many of the community outreach efforts in our inner cities have been established by Believers. Most of them are looking to the Church to supply the volunteers and resources to help them reach the lost in their neighborhoods. We believe that we are one of those ministries that is called to raise up and train Believers who can serve with various community outreach efforts. We don't need to start new community outreaches. All we need to do is prepare God's people to go and bring aid to the places that are already on the front lines.

One of the prophetic words that was spoken over us, when we were sent to Harrisburg in 2004, was that we would strengthen that which was already built. So, we were not sent to Harrisburg to start anything new. We were sent to build people, so they could be released to serve households, neighborhoods, ministries and outreach efforts that have already been established.

From year to year we are moving forward in the zeal and excitement in which we approached our assignment way back in 2004. We are seeking God for His wisdom in how to minister to heavy hearts. And whatever HE speaks and however HE tells us to do it, we will obey HIS word.

We look forward to singing songs to joyful hearts!

Chris Green

Where the Floods Overflow Me

Carol L. Green

Have you ever had a dream and wondered what it meant?  I’d like to share a dream I had several years ago. I asked the Lord for the meaning for a long time afterwards.

The dream started with Chris and I standing on the corner of 16th and North facing east in Harrisburg.  The sun was going down, but there was still plenty of light in a cloudy sky. We walked down North Street headed toward 17th Street, passing a woman dressed like a hillbilly. She had a shot gun in one hand and was smoking a cigarette with the other.  As we passed her, she waved us on without a word.  I was relieved she didn’t try to shoot us.

We turned right onto 17th Street and walked south to the corner of 17th and State Street. As we stood on the corner, we looked for traffic, but there was none and there were only a couple of parked cars on the street.  We continued walking across State Street and came to the center of the 2nd block facing Market Street.

Suddenly water started flooding over the houses to our left and the water began rising higher and higher. We began holding onto a porch post and then a roof gutter. Once the water was too high to hold onto anything else, more water began cascading over the houses on our right. The water rose very quickly and it was moving violently. The water from the right side rushed in so fast that it caused us to be tossed into the air. I saw Chris disappear in a high wave to my right. The water was so high that I couldn’t see the top of mountains. As I was falling down from having been tossed into the sky, I thought “Lord are you going to let us die?” I woke up holding my breath in anticipation of splashing into the water.

One Sunday night I was doing my daily Bible reading in our Study Bible. The passage was Psalms 69-71: Songs of lament written by David.  Psalm 69 leapt off the page,

“Save me, O God for the waters have come up to my neck.  I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing; I have come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.  I am weary with my crying; my throat is dry; my eyes fail while I wait for my God. Those who hate me without a cause are more than the hairs of my head; they are mighty who would destroy me, being my enemies wrongfully; though I have stolen nothing, I still must restore it.'

This is a Psalm expressing David’s innermost feelings of deep distress regarding those who hated him without cause. I saw that the deep waters and floods were directly connected to those who hate without a cause. I believe God was showing me the kind of waves that have come and will continue to come against us (Believers) in this hour. We will be hated and opposed even though we haven't done anything wrong.

I watched the dream play out in the months that followed. The warfare against my husband was just as strong and violent as I had seen in the dream. While we were receiving promotions, distinctions and honors, my husband was being overwhelmed by the waves. I called in help and prayer from our overseer and family back in St. Louis.

I saw in the Psalm that David was very transparent with God about how he felt. God truly understands how angry and hurt we may feel, and how much we will need His help when people plot against and hurt us. We are going to have to be completely open with God by sharing our hurts, frustrations, anger and pain with Him, especially when someone speaks or acts against us without a cause.

This kind of transparency helps us remain open to the dealings of God in our lives; so that we don’t miss how HE wants us to respond, which is in forgiveness. This will leave Him free to deal with those who oppose us.

We need to recognize that if the opposition is from someone who is not in relationship with God, they are acting as a person would who has chosen not to live according to kingdom of God principles. Therefore we need to pray for their salvation and forgive them. 

Of course it may hurt us more deeply if the opposition comes from another Believer who we considered to be a trusted friend, with whom we may have worked with or had fellowship.

In this kind of flooding, it is even more important to spend time with the Father, sharing with Him our feelings, allowing Him to empower us to respond in forgiveness and prayer for the person; allowing Him to heal us.

The negative spiritual floods and high-water experiences that some of us will have, may be the result of envy because of what God is doing is our lives. It can be the result of misunderstandings and miscommunications. There might be a hidden agenda, where they are taking advantage of your gifting. Whatever the reason, we must choose to walk in forgiveness because it closes doors to the enemy in our lives.  Forgiveness is a process which requires that every time that person comes to mind, we must choose to release them.

Chris and I have experienced this type of flooding several times over the years. The Lord has taught us that the Believers who opposed us and/or tried to discredit us have been people who:
1.) need healing from past issues; or
2.) don’t know who they are in Christ and may not know or understand their purpose in God.

God has been faithful to us, through the years, to deal with those who hated us without cause. Some of the relationships have been restored, while others have yet to be healed, but we must keep our hearts clear so that we don’t miss the goals God has for us to reach.

Many people are turning against God in this hour. Many Believers are turning on each other. Many are beginning to fall away from the faith. I can see the tide rising now.

In spite of those who may hate us without a cause, we must remain true so that the kingdom of God can continue to be spread in and through our hearts and lives.           

We Listen, We Lift, We Launch,

Coach Carol Green