I'm Cool...I'm Good...I'm Thankful

Sometimes I wake up and the first thought is the dread of going in to work, followed by the weight of bills, and then the sadness of shattered dreams and expectations. But then I look over at the love of my life lying next to me, who has stayed by my side for nearly 29 years and suddenly nothing else matters. I'm cool... I'm good.... I'm thankful.

So I get up and go face another day.

Fighting Discouragement

Saturday night we spent quite a bit of time in worship and intercession for Harrisburg. The Lord brought forth another new song. I can’t remember it because

it was definitely a song of intercession for the moment. We sang, prayed and worshiped for about 40 minutes before we began our teaching and instruction. We were revived and refreshed by it, which was really important since we were worn out from a full day of ministry.

One of the couples that we mentor, reminded us that our ministry has always been about long term therapy. They reminded us that even when we were living in

St. Louis and working on staff in the church, our ministry was not dynamic or eye-catching. We were about building relationship and providing the long, very slow process of healing therapy. They reminded us that a lot of people missed what God wanted to do in their lives because they wanted something fast and instant to happen. So they didn’t receive from us because that’s not how God uses us.

I remember how it took from 1992 all the way until 1997 before the youth ministry was strong and vibrant. It took from 1998 until 2002 for the young adult ministry

to really begin to soar. In both ministries, we started with the slow process of just building relationships. We met in small groups and we brought forth Biblical and everyday life foundational teaching.

Now to find ourselves in a city where people run away from relationship building, it’s like having the only thing that God has given you to do, to not work. We fast and pray. I sit down and study the Word of God, pouring over the life of Jesus and the early church apostles, just as the Lord has led me. Yet, we don’t see people coming, who want that in their lives. They want to receive the benefits of this kind of church, but they aren’t willing to give of themselves to make that happen.


However, every time we minister outside of this community, people are weeping and crying under the presence of God. They receive and welcome the very same message and ministry that, in this community, gets nothing but a yawn.

I was about to believe that something must be wrong with us until the Spirit of God reminded me that any place that did not have faith, and every place that was deep in skepticism, unbelief and offense, even Jesus Himself could not do any miracles or mighty works there, except for a few people here and there who were open to receive. Now we know what that feels like.

The only exception has been those who consistently come each week, but we can tell that even they are growing weary in waiting for something to change. This is where the whole validity of our calling and purpose gets challenged and questioned. I know this because we went through it in St. Louis. Just before the ministry began to grow, we lost a wave of people who were tired of waiting for things to change.

I know these faith steps should be working, but it seems that HERE, the atmosphere is filled with people don’t seem to want it. They seem to prefer to be where they are lost in a crowd and unaccountable to anyone. They prefer to live searching for the next thrill and the next feel good session. (This applies to people in and out of the Kingdom of God.)

Urban Life Church is like the exercise class that you must attend in order to become fit for Kingdom service. If a person just wants sweets and desserts, playing around and games all the time, this isn’t the place.

I recall that our sister DeVata told us that we are a special force unit. She mentioned that very few people can last through the training to become a part of such a unit. Some have even lost their lives in training. I guess that’s the part that is discouraging. I realize that we are still in training and everyone won't make it that attends Urban Life Church. The past five years haven’t even been the war yet. I can say this because I know what it is like to REALLY be in the war.

This past weekend was very hard on my family. It was tough, yet well worth it. I find myself guiding them through an aspect of the SPECIAL FORCE TRAINING that involves sacrificing your time and energy at a whole new level. We ministered in Lancaster Saturday morning, and drove back to Harrisburg, set up everything again, and ministered Saturday night. The whole day was taken and we were wiped out.

IT WAS AN IMPORTANT TEST to see where my family really is in the process.

Weekends are very valuable when you’re a bi-vocational pastor, but we don’t belong to ourselves, so we went for it. I’m very proud of my wife, sons, and mother in law (love). They were real troopers.

I can recall the REAL war meaning, the windows being broken out of my vehicle on several occasions, our home being burglarized, having the police show up at our door because we had been accused of harboring a runaway, rushing my son to the hospital because of asthma attacks, burying my brother, comforting a teenager after their baby died, fighting city hall’s attempts to shut down the ministry, being deeply, deeply wounded by church members and leaders (yet refusing to quit), and countless sleepless nights because of demonic visitations.

We’ve had some tough stuff to happen in Harrisburg, but we have been out of the front lines of the REAL WAR, for a long time. Right now, it’s very difficult to obtain and maintain a small group of people for the battle that is yet to come.

So I’m just waiting before the Lord during this season.

Broken, but Not Destroyed

During our Hidden Treasures Live interview with the Sullivans, Pastor Denise gave us a prophetic word that we were made not to be broken. Specifically she said, “You lost some people and you lost some things, but you were made not to be broken.”

Then Bishop Sullivan expounded on that by explaining the difference between the breaking that God brings to strengthen and build us, and the breaking that the enemy brings to try to destroy us.

I look back over the past five years and remember so many days and nights of deep anguish. It was especially difficult to lose our home in foreclosure. That breaking hurt very deeply because it was the second time this has happened to us. As far as I was concerned, this was totally my fault and it happened because I tried to do too much, too soon. That failure was connected to so many bad decisions, that it even seemed our coming to Harrisburg was a huge mistake.

Since then, I’ve had to be forthright and honest about what happened because I didn’t want my wife or my sons to be confused about the situation. I didn’t want them to blame God or turn against Him. That’s what happens when leaders don’t tell the truth about a situation. It leaves people suspicious of God. If I had held to the position that I prayed and God just didn’t answer my prayer, that would have been dishonest, and a great lack of integrity. I knew the truth and I had to confess the truth.

What I didn’t realize was that the decision to tell the truth, walk away from the house, and start all over again, was part of the breaking process. It broke pride. It broke religion. It broke ungodly expectations. It broke an ungodly vision. It broke up the fallow ground in my heart so that I could receive the promises of God today.

I don’t know who will read these blogs in the future; perhaps my grand children.

I just want them to know, that God is never to blame for the stuff that goes so desperately wrong in our lives. We make decisions based upon secret and sometimes, unknown motivations that are buried deep in our hearts. He lets us make those decisions, and then we live with the consequences of those decisions. That’s when we start praying and asking God to bail us out of the bad decision.

I have found that God won’t do anything until we’re honest about how we got to into that situation. After we are honest about it, He will either bail us out, or He will give us grace to go through it. Only He has the wisdom to know which way He should deliver us. Our position, if we have truly confessed and repented, is to trust whatever way He decides to handle our situation.

When we can trust Him like that, then we have been broken to the point where He can now give us out to a hurting world.

Champions

Today I feel like the football coach who has told his team that they are going to win the championship. Then after encouraging everyone, I had to tell them what it's going to take to accomplish that goal.

I saw a lot of sober expressions Saturday night.

I believe God. I believe in my players. Now it's time for us to see what we're really made of. I choose to believe that we will come forth as the champions the Lord has declared that we are to be.

...On Being A Birthing Coach

This morning I found myself thinking back on the days when my wife gave birth to our sons. The memories are still strong of the pressure packed minutes of coaching her through the birth pains.

The Lord reminded me how I had to be stern and gentle at the same time. I still recall the mind altering moment when I realized that I had to do this because her life was on the line. The baby was coming and I had to help her get through this. I could not cuddle her. I could not sugar-coat the moment or ignore the realities. I had to help her get through this pain.

This was especially true when the twins were born. We had no insurance, but it was not time to worry about how we were going to pay for this. We had very little income, but it was not time to worry about how we were going to pay our rent and utilities. We lived in a dangerous neighborhood, but it was not time to talk about that. A family lived in the apartment above us, and the mother would leave her little children at home alone all day, almost everyday. We feared that one day they would start a fire, and that our family would be in danger, but it was not time to deal with that.

Once labor pains begin, and the process of child birth has initiated, the only thing that matters is getting that baby born safely, and for the mother to come through it without losing her life as well.

I don’t know how to explain it, but that’s what I feel in this season for Urban Life Church and Fruitful Life Network. The labor pains have begun and I can’t focus on our bills, deadlines and problems. Something special is being birthed in the Spirit and I have to coach us through it.

Now I see it so clearly, that this is one of the reasons so many things have been aborted, miscarried or still born in this community. When it’s time for a Body of Believers to give birth, the pastors have to stand up and be stern and forthright. But the pregnant Body gets hurt and offended because the leaders seem to be insensitive to what they’re going through. But the reality is that just like when a woman is in child birth, she can’t focus on the problems in her life while she’s trying to give birth. She has to focus on the child that is coming. She can’t focus on her bills, the no good absent boy friend, her selfish siblings, her other children, her interfering mother in law, her nosey co-workers, or her irritating neighbors. All that matter is the birth of this child.

Now I know why so many ministries have never come forth. Many believers want to be cuddled through child birth, stroked through child birth, danced through child birth, or carried through child birth. But every mother can tell you, that there is only one way to get through child birth. There is a life and death determination that she has to make within herself.
After our children were born, I reached a whole new level of respect for my wife. Did I mention that she gave birth to the twins with no anesthia at all? By the time we got to the hospital, she was fully dilated and it was time to push. She didn’t have time to get ready for it. There was no time for me to get her ready for this like I did last time. There was no pep talk, and no gentle hugs and kisses to assure her that she was going to make it.

Suddenly, we were in the delivery room and she had to find it within herself to just do it.

She had to deliver, not once, but twice. Imagine having to push out one baby, and instead of being able to finely relax and take a pain killer, you have to do it all over again.

That’s why she’s such a warrior to this day. Carol doesn’t have much tolerance for people feeling sorry for themselves or being sad and down about what they have to go through. I didn’t say she has no understanding or compassion. She just doesn’t let them settle there. She doesn’t even let me settle there.

I felt so badly about what I had to preach Saturday night that I just went home and went straight to bed. I was quiet all day yesterday and blogged a little bit of my thoughts.

Today it was little clearer. I’m the birthing coach again. I have to do this. I have to be there to help my sons, our church, our staff, and our web viewers to face this aspect of the way God does things.

It’s like this: We ask the Lord for answers, but God always supplies a seed. He impregnates us with the answer. The only way the answer comes into the earth, is by birthing it into our reality.

We recently received a Prophetic Word that we are in our ninth month of pregnancy, and that child birth will begin any day now.

Well we sense the labor pains right now. All other situations in our lives are secondary now. This is the priority. It’s time to begin the process of labor and birth.

One thing we know about the Lord is that after you give birth to the vision, He begins to provide for that vision. After His vision is birth into the earth, He supplies everything that we need. He provides for us, so that we can fulfill our part in the vision.