Don't feel like no super hero (Lord, what has happened to me?)
I feel so beat up. I used to be so confrontation and direct. What happened to the man who used to wear the construction hard hat and would go into people’s lives, marching into demonic strongholds, tearing down walls, speaking into lives, casting out devils and taking no prisoners. Then two or three days later I would think, “ I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I had the nerve to say that.”
Now I’m all timid and concerned about how people are going to take what I say or do. I feel so beat up. I feel like I’ve been jumped on and mugged. I remember a dream that Sherri Moore had about me a few years ago. It was something about me leaving the church and going across the street, getting beat up by some men, and then returning to Metro all beat up and bloodied. I’ll have to send an e-mail and ask her if she can recall that dream. I forget how that unfolded. I was puzzled when she told us about it back then, but it certainly seems to apply right now. I didn’t realize, but that seems to have been a real word of knowledge for us.
In the meantime, while I’m going through this inner turmoil and questioning, Carol is really battling also. I know she feels out of shape and unattractive. She’s so beautiful, but I cannot make her see what I see and feel what I feel toward her. When we were assistants, it was much easier to show and tell. Now, with this new level of battle, it seems like sometimes she cannot see or hear me. I realize, she’s under the same attack that the spouses of pastors are enduring all over this region. I think of the pastor's wife that Deb told me about who was fighting anorexia and emotional problems and eventually left her husband (the pastor) for another man. I'm not afraid that she'll do that. it's just that I can see the intense war against her mind and emotions.
The battle is on and I’m fasting everyday until I see breakthrough. I hate this wilderness, but we do not want to have to stay and wander around in it because of unbelief.
I feel so beat up. I used to be so confrontation and direct. What happened to the man who used to wear the construction hard hat and would go into people’s lives, marching into demonic strongholds, tearing down walls, speaking into lives, casting out devils and taking no prisoners. Then two or three days later I would think, “ I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I had the nerve to say that.”
Now I’m all timid and concerned about how people are going to take what I say or do. I feel so beat up. I feel like I’ve been jumped on and mugged. I remember a dream that Sherri Moore had about me a few years ago. It was something about me leaving the church and going across the street, getting beat up by some men, and then returning to Metro all beat up and bloodied. I’ll have to send an e-mail and ask her if she can recall that dream. I forget how that unfolded. I was puzzled when she told us about it back then, but it certainly seems to apply right now. I didn’t realize, but that seems to have been a real word of knowledge for us.
In the meantime, while I’m going through this inner turmoil and questioning, Carol is really battling also. I know she feels out of shape and unattractive. She’s so beautiful, but I cannot make her see what I see and feel what I feel toward her. When we were assistants, it was much easier to show and tell. Now, with this new level of battle, it seems like sometimes she cannot see or hear me. I realize, she’s under the same attack that the spouses of pastors are enduring all over this region. I think of the pastor's wife that Deb told me about who was fighting anorexia and emotional problems and eventually left her husband (the pastor) for another man. I'm not afraid that she'll do that. it's just that I can see the intense war against her mind and emotions.
The battle is on and I’m fasting everyday until I see breakthrough. I hate this wilderness, but we do not want to have to stay and wander around in it because of unbelief.
